I have a friend. We spend a lot of time together. She is beautiful, stylish, and organized. She is clean and slender and healthy. She comes to visit every night after the kids go to bed, but that's not all.
She visits me when my husband and I are not getting along. She visits me when my kids have been extra demanding. She comes to call when the snow needs to be shoveled, when the dishes need to be washed, when the laundry needs to be folded, when the bills need to be paid and when the floor needs to be vacuumed. She comes when I am discouraged and stressed.
She rips my heart out and puts it on a stick. She is Guilt.
She places a boulder upon my back and perches atop it. I look like Atlas. She sits up there and crosses one leg over the other and yawns. She sits up there and reads my books, or laughs at lolcats on my laptop. When the day is over, she puts stones in my pillow and keeps vigil at my bedside with cold eyes until I pass from wakefulness to guilty dreams. She takes her purse and her slimming coat and leaves. She'll come back tomorrow. She always comes.
***
Nothing brings me more joy than being a wife and mother, and nothing brings me more guilt. My biggest weakness in these roles is probably keeping a clean house. Say the best housekeepers are a 10 and the worst are a 0, I usually feel I'm sitting at about a 3. The next worse is nutrition. I'm at about a 4 with that one, which wouldn't be so bad if my mother-in-law wasn't a solid 11. I love it when I go to the pediatrician and he asks if my daughter is getting fruits and vegetables every day and I'm not actually sure. Maybe next time I'll just lie, because I don't need someone to remind me that she should be getting lots of fruits and vegetables. I just need to suck less, and the doc can't help with that one.
Its not just my roles as wife and mother that bring me guilt. My personal life has plenty of that without involving my relationships. I forgot to pay the bills, I missed my work out again, I ate too much of this and I ate too much of that. I didn't read my scriptures and I procrastinated preparing my lesson. No aspect of my life is free of guilt. I fail to do what I ought, and I make mistakes everywhere. I make a lot of mistakes.
Lots of blog posts end with how the blogger came to terms with their feelings, some great call to action, or a sage conclusion about how we can change our lives, etc. I got nothing. Sometimes I feel guilty. Actually, all the time I feel guilty. Its hard. I guess its normal. Questions or comments welcome.
Image found at http://www.bradyworld.com/sketch/anndavis.htm
***
Its not just my roles as wife and mother that bring me guilt. My personal life has plenty of that without involving my relationships. I forgot to pay the bills, I missed my work out again, I ate too much of this and I ate too much of that. I didn't read my scriptures and I procrastinated preparing my lesson. No aspect of my life is free of guilt. I fail to do what I ought, and I make mistakes everywhere. I make a lot of mistakes.
Lots of blog posts end with how the blogger came to terms with their feelings, some great call to action, or a sage conclusion about how we can change our lives, etc. I got nothing. Sometimes I feel guilty. Actually, all the time I feel guilty. Its hard. I guess its normal. Questions or comments welcome.
Image found at http://www.bradyworld.com/sketch/anndavis.htm
You aren't alone. :)
ReplyDeleteYou VERY aren't alone. That Guilt girl gets around. But I think most people like you a lot more than they like her... so that's got to say something.
ReplyDelete